Grieving the present moment

On grief, loss, and memories.

Do you ever find yourself enjoying a good time with a friend on a random Tuesday, then can’t help but think to yourself, “god, one day, we won’t have good times like this anymore”?

Grief, in itself, is a weird feeling to experience. It is often a compilation of various emotions that fall under its umbrella; sadness, hurt, anger, disappointment. You grieve the loss of a loved one, you grieve the end of an era, you grieve the end of a relationship. Grief is typically the result of a loss of some sort. But then how is it possible to grieve a moment you are actively living in?

Why am I mourning something I haven’t lost yet?

I often find myself borrowing grief from the future. I dwell on future losses as I’m living though what I’m especially afraid of losing. I worry so much about taking in the moment so I don’t forget it (because I know I will lose it), that I forget how to live in it, and before I realize it, I have no recollection of the joy I felt during my time in it. It’s a confusing thing to go through because I am aware that in preoccupying myself with the fear of loss, I am pushing myself to actually lose what I have. Rather than savouring the moment and forming a joyful memory, that memory becomes clouded with the various emotions that come with grief, because my mind is too busy worrying about when that joy would come to an end. By the time that is over, I’ve experienced twice the amount of grief (grieving the present and past), and I’ve ruined that memory for myself.

But it’s so difficult to stop.

Knowing that there will be a loss, and that there will be an end to a time you enjoy in your life makes it difficult to ignore the process. You watch yourself experience the last days as a teenager, the last few lectures with my undergraduate classmates, and the last time my best friend and I get to carpool to work together as twenty-something year olds. You watch these lasts unfold right before your eyes, and you’re expected to just savour the moments before they’re gone?

What if I don’t want them gone?

I know it is impossible to live without change, and I fully comprehend how valuable and essential change is, but why does it always have to feel so sad? How am I expected to be happy in the moment when I know it is slipping through my fingers?

I think it is easier to grieve the present moment than savour it with joy because once that moment is over, you can never accurately recollect what it was like. You might remember what happened, and you might remember how you felt, but you will never get to experience it for what it was again. It becomes a memory; a part of your past; a moment you can only attempt to recollect. And as the days go by, the memory becomes distorted, and you forget what it felt like; you just know it made you feel some type of way.

You lost it. You don’t have it anymore. You can’t go back. And that’s scary.

As much as I dislike grieving the present, I simply can’t help it. It is an attempt to prepare myself for the loss, despite how unproductive it actually is. I know it is coming, and therefore I must brace myself. As if in “preparing myself” for the loss, I can prolong the present or lessen the loss. We both know how untrue that is, but we keep doing it anyway. The human condition is strange, but only because the experience of loss is stranger.

I keep this tumblr post so close to my heart.